Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad

After work, I went to the City Park to walk.  Lining the park are trees that people have planted in memory of loved ones who have passed away.  As I was walking, I read the plaques placed at the base of the trees.  One plaque caught my eye:  “In memory of a loving wife, mother and grandmother”.  And I thought about myself and shrugged……. well, two out of three ain’t bad.

Oh, it’s not that I wasn’t a loving wife…..I loved all three of my husbands.

It just didn’t last.  I’m not sure, but somehow I don’t think “In memory of a temporarily loving wife” would work.

Since the only aisle I ever plan on walking down again is in a movie theatre, I guess the “wife” part is out of the picture (or plaque).  But that’s okay.  Sometimes brevity is best.

Beware of Lazy Boys

According to State Farm Insurance, West Virginia drivers lead the U.S. in collisions with deer.  One in every 39 drivers in West Virginia is likely to hit a deer in the next 12 months.  So, I wonder what the odds are for hitting a recliner?  Well, for me?  100%!

Yep, it was about 9:00 at night.  I was minding my own business, obeying all the traffic rules.  Born and raised in WV, I understand the necessity to always be on alert for deer crossing the road.  But nothing in my past road safety training prepared me for meeting THE RECLINER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!  Well, needless to say, it didn’t stay in the middle of the road for long.

I later found out that my insurance agent (State Farm, by the way) actually passed by the scene of the crime.  He assured me that he wasn’t laughing, it was just a nervous tic he had.

It seems that a lot of people have gotten a chuckle on my behalf. 

Well, all I have to say to the guy in the truck who apparently forgot his rope…….next time you need to move a chair, try this method:

I promise I’ll brake.  Really, I will.

Good Night Irene!

Today is my last day at Indian Harbor Beach, Florida.  It has been an awesome week, made even more memorable by an unexpected visitor by the name of Irene. 

While Irene was gracious enough to not visit Florida personally, she stretched out her arms and brushed us with her fingertips…..just enough of a touch to let us know she was out there.

What a show off!

I took a long walk on the beach this morning.  Irene’s powerful waves had washed several baby sea turtles onto the beach.  Apparently it is against the law or something to touch baby sea turtles.  Well, I came across one of the little guys lying on its back, legs flailing in the air.  It took all my telekinetic energy, but I managed to put the little guy on his feet and return him to his rightful place in the ocean. 

Seriously, that’s what happened!  I can bend spoons with my mind too.

Anyway, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

Well, hurricane or not, it’s been a great week, but you know what they say…..all good things must come to an end (and all bad things seem to stick around forever).  So tomorrow I get on a plane and head back to WV.  Back to mowing.  Back to working.  Back to groundhogs……BTW, if I came across one of them lying on its back and flailing its legs, I’d be equally fair in my treatment…

Can groundhogs swim?

“Irene good night, Irene good night,
Good night Irene, good night Irene,
I’ll see you in my dreams.”

See Ya Later, Alligator!

There was an alligator loose in my town today.  Now, maybe if I lived in Florida this would not be big news…….but I live in WV!  Apparently, this morning, a five foot long gator was spotted in a neighborhood near downtown.

And we thought DEER were a problem!

Anyway, 911 was dispatched and after about 45 minutes the Department of Natural Resources, the Fire Department and the Humane Society managed to capture the guy.  And guess what they used to tape his mouth shut?  Duck tape.  Why didn’t they use Gator Glue?

And they could have baited him in with some Gatorade!

Okay, enough with the silly stuff.  I’ll leave that to the comments to the news story that were posted on our local TV website……..

In reply to someone wondering if it was an escaped pet:

• Are you people serious? “I hope it was a pet” ..”I bet it was someones pet”….nah! I think it came in  a Greyhound Bus. Of course it was a pet!
• Why??? I really do not understand why a person would have something like this. Some loser probably thought it would help him with the ladies, I think a cute dog would work better.

• I would say it was someone’s pet which is seriously wrong. However; Momma needs a new pair of shoes and handbag to match:)

And there was this spooky comment:

•  wonder how long its been loose i was nite fishing couple weeks ago across from the island when i got there somethin was maken splashes in water way 2 big for a fish then i seen somethin swiming up n down river with red eyes wasnt a beaver or anything people thought i was crazy when i said it looked like a gator

But, my favorite comment was this:

• How did this not make the “Pet of the Week”?

And I thought Woodchucks were bad!

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

I have a hair appointment tomorrow.  Every time this comes up, I have a dilemma…….cut it or keep it.  You see, most of my life my hair was short.  A couple of years ago I decided to grow it out and it has gotten fairly long.  But when you are my age…..let’s just leave it that I am older than Taylor Swift but younger than Joan Rivers….you start to wonder how long you can carry off the long hair look.  I remember swearing to myself that I never wanted to be one of those women that men see from behind and make passes, but then ,when they see the front, they pass out!

So, I dug out my trusty “Hairstyle Magazine” and started browsing through it for some ideas.  I forgot that I let my mom look through it when she was visiting.  There were so many pictures cut out of it that I thought Edward Scissor-hands had paid a visit.  But it does explain the ransom note I got in the mail.

Everytime I look through a hairstyle magazine I am amazed.  Some of the style options are a bit on the bizarre side.  I mean can you seriously see me taking in this picture and say, “I want my hair to look like this, please”.

But then again, if it would help me get rid of the rodent problem in my yard, I might consider it.

 

I Need a Rodent Opponent

According to the Chinese Calendar, 2011 is The Year of the Rabbit.  But not in my house.  In my house, 2011 has been The Year of the Rodent.

Yes, the woodchuck is still living under my porch.  I still don’t know how much wood a woodchuck can chuck, but I DO know how many Rose of Sharon bushes it can eat.  I thought I had gotten rid of the varmit when my parents were visiting.  Between their dog barking like crazy at the scent, my dad shooting at it and the ton of moth balls we scattered, I thought for sure we had seen the last of him.  But alas, he was apparently only on vacation.  I guess the smell of moth balls did not deter him.  I, on the other hand…….

If that isn’t bad enough, I discovered that I also have ground moles in the back yard.  Ground moles are BLIND for goodness sakes and they STILL found their way into my yard!

And did you know that moles do not hibernate. Instead, they remain active year round, traveling under snow and ice.  These guys are here to stay.  Holey Moley!  At least I can kill them vicariously…

But, the real topper came yesterday when I went to the basement to do a load of laundry.  I opened the washer door and found a MOUSE!  The washer door had been CLOSED with a rug draped over the top of it!  So what am I dealing with now?  Houdini mice?

The way I see it, there is only one thing left to do….

I know when I’m beat.

Blogging Makes You Fat

My parents are staying with me this week.  They live in Florida so I don’t get to see them very often therefore I treasure the times we do get to visit.  Parents are great, aren’t they?  I mean they always make you feel good about yourself.  Take this morning…..I was getting ready to leave for work and I made an offhand comment about needing to lose about ten pounds.  I just knew they would reassure me that I looked just fine.  My dad said, “Well honey, you look…..healthy.”  HEALTHY!  That’s what people say about fat babies so they don’t hurt the parent’s feelings!  “Why, doesn’t he look healthy!”

And my mom!  She reached out and patted my stomach and said, “Women just struggle with this area of our bodies.”  Great!  I feel better now!

 

So, I schleped off to work, head down and tail between my fat thighs….er legs.

 

All day I thought about the reason why all of a sudden I am “looking so healthy” that my clothes are tight.  The only thing I could think of that has changed in my life over the past few months is that I now have a blog.  Could it be?  Can blogging make you fat?  Then I thought about it.  I used to get on the treadmill when I got home for work.  Now I get on the computer.  By the time I am finished blogging (and harvesting my crops in my vineyard) I am much too tired to exercise.

So, today I have decided to change my ways…..or invest in elastic waist clothing.  I am setting new rules….NO TREADMILL = NO BLOGGING.  So if you don’t hear from me for a while………I am searching for my “thinner” self.

and not having much luck!

Blast from the Past

Well, a few days ago I attended the 45th Anniversary Monkee’s Reunion Concert in Columbus, Ohio.  It was quite a night to remember!

 

It started out a little weird as Micki shouted “Good Evening, Detroit!”  But that was okay.  I forget where I am sometimes too.  I just know it is a Hilton Hotel somewhere.

I kinda figured the majority of the crowd would be older and I wasn’t wrong.  I was just happy that no women threw their lingerie up on the stage.  That could have been ugly.

There WERE some Monkee groupies there.  I mean seriously, they dressed up just like the band and were in front row seats.  A bit scary.

Even the Monkees made fun of their age.  They said that people recognized their tour bus everywhere as it was the one driving 45 miles per hour in the left lane.

The band performed in front of a giant HD screen that showed cuts from their past TV shows and appearances and they did all of their top hits (‘Daydream Believer’,  ‘I’m A Believer’, ‘Last Train To Clarksville,’ ‘Pleasant Valley Sunday’ and ‘(I’m Not Your) Steppin’ Stone,’ as well as some more obscure ones.  All in all, it was two hours of nonstop music and memories.

The old guys still have it and that’s good to know!

The Big Cheese

Last night we had a retirement party for my boss.  There were a lot of laughs and a lot of tears, but most of all, there was a lot of respect to a guy we not only love as a boss, but as a friend as well.  So, I thought I would dedicate this blog in honor of The Big Cheese.

I know The Big Cheese will carry away great memories.  Like the time three of us went to a conference in California and left the car at a “Park and Fly” near Columbus, Ohio airport.  We returned a few days later and discovered that the boss had left the sun roof open.  It was December.  It had snowed while we were away.  It was a cold drive home.

Or how about the time a secretary (who will remain unnamed) plastered the hallway with signs giving directions to the room where a conference was going to be held.  And the signs said…….”F U Workshop Second Door on Right”.  Some words are better left unabbreviated.

Last night, The Big Cheese told little stories about all of us.  Everyone of them was true except for mine.  He said that he could always count on me to say to him, “Well, you could have handled THAT better”.  That is absolutely NOT true and, believe me, I am going to make sure he knows how badly he screwed that up!

Well, I know he will handle retirement just fine.

We will miss you, Big Cheese!

How Much Wood Can a Woodchuck Chuck?

I have a groundhog living under my deck.

Groundhogs (AKA Woodchucks) are typically burrowers.  The average groundhog has been estimated to move approximately 1 m³ (35 cu ft), or 320 kg (710 lb), of dirt when digging a burrow. I figure my groundhog is just plain lazy. 

As you can imagine, I really don’t want to share my deck with a groundhog, so I googled “how to get rid of groundhogs”.  Here are some of the results…..

1.  Sprinkle cayenne or other hot pepper on their route!

My groundhog asked for chips to go with it.

2.  Get a .22 and shoot him!

He was better armed!

3.  Pipe exhaust from your automobile via a garden hose!

He was ready with a mask!

 4.  Sic your dogs on him!

Self explanatory!

5.  My number one favorite……Just show him his shadow!

That darn groundhog is ready for everything!

Until someone comes up with a better solution, I guess I am going to have to live with the guy.  Maybe some day he will even prove to be useful….